i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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