I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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