this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
