omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
birth control should be required to get into college
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
