man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
