she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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