I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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