what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
