is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
