About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She's the barista slut.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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