So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize