you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
