Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
