life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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