Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
