Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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