I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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