its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
