just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
