There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
