I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
