i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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