Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize
