i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
