I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
