smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
