My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
