She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
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