So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just google imaged poop.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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