Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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