So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
