Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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