I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
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