he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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