She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
