I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
