TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
