Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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