I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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