i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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