Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
