I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There's always time for handjobs
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
