Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
