My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I didn't notice because vodka
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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