i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
