You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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