GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
