I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
