What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
