There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
