She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
