yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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