I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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