Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I need to align my fucking chakras
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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