Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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