i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
