im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
