U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
