Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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