just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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