Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
