i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
