We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
