tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
