We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
