Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
