i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
